Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
finally
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
How high do the levels go?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.