Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit