7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Potatoes were such a good idea
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?