Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
You Might Also Like
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
#SuperBowl
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Care for your back
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Seals are just dog mermaids.