“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
peak technology
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off