I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Real House Wines.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.