‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell