Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
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I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Are we there yet?…
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.