“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.