Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
You Might Also Like
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late