Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?