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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
next question.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*