It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.