At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”