I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I need better friends
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it