I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*puts words between two asterisks*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.