How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.