“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
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RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My love language is hissing.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree