[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
#winning
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.