Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Order here:
More here:
dream blunt rotation
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not