restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
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WTF
just having fun
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy