A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You Might Also Like
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.