[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
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Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
This could be us but you eatin’
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come