20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying