Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Plant care tips
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Single and childfree like Jesus
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.