“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
shit just got real
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.