Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.