3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
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Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I am crying
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing