My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
fair
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.