Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.