We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?