Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
You Might Also Like
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?