Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Nomnomnomnom
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.