Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Thursday
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.