[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
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Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
spicy snake
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Proctology is located in A55
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Cardio Made Easy
Hot hot hot 🥵
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”