i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.