I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.