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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.