If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
August 8
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.