I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’m giving up for Lent.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
This kid is going places
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send