Message from the dog groomers
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ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
absolutely not
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.