“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
British people be like I’m Bri ish
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house