The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
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Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Still my favourite meme.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
man: wait
time: no
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
did it work