Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*