My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
what’s more important?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
There is no try. There is only give up.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.