There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.