Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.