Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
my friends when i can’t do basic math
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals