[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.