Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.